Saturday, January 15, 2011

Luco & Materialism

I received this shiny orange ball for Christmas- I love it because I know I will tear it apart. See how it glitters in the light? Note its fuzziness. Some nights the prison guard amuses herself by throwing it for me, and I chase this little ball across the house. When I am chasing this ball, my mind is blank - I feel nothing - it is a kind of peace.

It is strange to me that this billowing feeling erupts from moments of contact with an inanimate object. I do not feel anything near this sort of release when I attempt to fraternize with my roommates. It is something born solely of this object. When I destroy this ball (which I will do, I cannot help myself. Without my knowing my teeth sink into its soft center, my nails rip at its edges), I will be destroying a fundamental aspect of myself, but I will also be freeing myself from the tethers of attachment. Of materialism. 

This destruction is more good than bad, I believe, because the feelings I have about this ball resemble not slightly love, adoration, dedication.... And what does this ball feel? Nothing. It is not capable of emotion. It does not pine for me to roll it across the laminate. It does not think of me when I am gone.

And yet, perhaps this relationship is the best variety. My ball will never leave or forsake me. It will never die, although I slowly tear it apart. 

I fear I am only capable of loving objects.

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